Hello world! Is anybody out there? Starting this blog is something like trying to search for answers to life’s toughest questions. Who am I? I thought I knew who I was–a wife, a mother, a friend, a child of God. So, now that I have been stripped of my title as “wife” I feel like I no longer exist. How can this be when clearly I do exist? How can this be when I am still the same person–or am I? I can’t make sense of it. In February of 2015, I was a wife, and poof, in May of 2015, I became a widow –just like that! I wasn’t prepared for this. My husband, Brian, died of cancer, on May 14, 2015. The cancer was everywhere. I was prepared to battle the ups and downs of marriage for the rest of my life as his wife. I was prepared to wrestle with Jesus over everything that came our way, including for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. I could deal with heart transplants and muscle disorders and pushing people around in wheelchairs into my retirement. I planned on it. I was armed and ready for muscle disorders, not cancer.
Sooner or later, cancer touches all of our lives. When you hear someone has cancer, we all think, “oh, how sad.” When I would hear someone had cancer, I would say, “oh, how sad.” I had no idea what I was saying. It’s not sad–it’s devastating! It’s nasty! It’s relentless and unforgiving! Cancer knows no limits–it affects infants, and grandma’s, spouses and siblings, it takes them all and breaks hearts and homes. Cancer changes everything.
I didn’t plan for widowhood–not at age 48. My plan’s were not God’s plans. How could He do this to me? How could Brian do this to me? My selfishness creeps in. I don’t do well alone. I need my counter- balance. I need someone to challenge me, to pull me down, when my stress level is high. Someone to make me laugh, when I want to cry. Someone to make me mad, and then make up with me. Someone as imperfect as me who loves me for who I am. I have forgotten that I was and am a child of God long before I was a wife and mother.
This is my blog. These are my “Jesus Struggles”–the things I struggle with Jesus over. Be gentle with me, Jesus. My days of wrestling with you are just beginning.